Ok I am sunk. I can't believe the emotion I am experiencing. For some reason I am being self controlled when withholding my emotions, thoughts etc from others. I am losing ground because the way I roll is to talk thru things. Working it out verbally what it is that's on my mind. I don't stuff real well. So I am grateful for this space to throw up.

It occurred to me that both of my biological parents lost their mothers this year, and then me. In a matter of months. Just gone. Poof.. Strong women. Women that shaped me not only with genetics, but with the conversation, teaching, yelling, you name it, we did it. But we knew we loved each other, except for mom, at least when I was young. In her dying days is when became mother and daughter for the first time. While I am grateful for what we had together, I am a little sorry we didn't figure all this out sooner. I didn't know my Mother would die while I was still young.


As I sit here I admire the beautiful pink flowered urn with partial remains of my Mother inside, I cry with abandon. I don't really care at the moment who sees. My heart is sad and the reality keeps becoming more and more close. No Christmas cards, Mother's Day cards which I always struggled with! But found every card I've sent to her as we cleaned her room! No holiday in March and July and last year I got to see her three times. One extra for Grandma's funeral which was exactly 10 months earlier. Not to mention the near daily phone calls and texts..Yeah, lots of death this year. I suppose it's getting to me a little..

I am sure of one thing. I know that in the end continuing to walk thru this will hasten the recovery. I just can't sit her in silence any longer pretending out load that I am ok. I am so grateful for the down time I currently have. Just need to verbalize this stuff more so hear I am to pour it out.

Everything will be alright. Always is. Sometimes the road just gets a bit bumpy... Bumpy times make the smooth times freakin awesome.. Good times they are a comin!

Haven't posted in a long long time. My need to share here ebbs and flows. Mom passed away on October 4th and my life has not and will not ever be the same. In good ways! I've opened my eyes to the reality that life here is short. That I want to LIVE! That it is possible in spite of what the media, the president, the church, whomever says it isn't! Living is here and now.

I have to say that my struggle to understand God and the church is over. I don't even have questions any more. I am at peace with God and feel more secure than ever before. I am not afraid to die. I've gone there. I walked with Mom nearly to the very end. We discussed everything I wanted. She was honest. She admitted things to me I thought I would never hear and we found some journals that even more deeply explain her life and what was going on in her head. For me it was cathartic! For my sister, it was difficult to read. Her carefully constructed facade that Mom built around her is gone. Even she is seeing things she never has. It's amazing. I could be really sad and grieving and moping around like there's no tomorrow, but her death in many many ways has given me life!

It's still hard to fathom that she's gone. That I can never hear her voice again or her silly jokes or complaining about this or that. I can hardly believe we won't grow old together. That I won't have to or get to take care of her when she's crabby or forgetful. I will miss her. I do miss her. But I am ok.

My job has ended. Taking a break while continuing to look for work. Seems lots of doors have opened and we're ready to explore what's on the other side. Can't hurt. Life is a series of doors opening and closing isn't it? For the first time in my life my intuition is dampened. I don't know which way to go which indicates to me that any direction will lead us to wherever we're going. Sounds a bit odd, but I am completely comfortable with mystery. Living outside the box. Living now and experiencing it fully.

I don't pray. Don't need to. God is with me all the time, he is in me. He is me. It's an amazing place to be..

I am in at a plateau. I am fortunate enough to stop here in this place for a while and what I've learned of late is, living out what you've been shown is key. In other words, take the nuggets of wisdom gained and turn then into reality.

I was raised by a yeller. I was always yelled at and I hated it. When we had kids I swore I wouldn't do it and yes, I have. Not all the time, but enough for me to step back and decide that I truly do not like this behavior. So, I choose to stop yelling for this moment.

Also, my outsides don't match with my insides. Circumstances are not what I would choose. But the truth is, how we live it out is what's important. I can bitch all I want to, but that means I am losing NOW. Perhaps attitude is truly key. By choosing to say, yes, life isn't what I want right now, but it's where we are, and accept it, that's freedom.. Why is that so hard? Why do we think we need to keep reaching for something that isn't there and that may never materialize? Satisfaction with our current circumstances is where peace that passes understanding comes from...

Tired of the cross roads. Been here for a while now. I've started my book. We'll see where it leads. Just cannot sit on my ass for 40 hours a week any more hoping for something better to come along. Gonna make the first move and see what happens... Live outside the box. That is my motto for today.

Life is grand...............

Rog and I have been together 20 years this year. Since I've known him I've wanted to take him to Bryce Canyon. It was a childhood memory I've never been able to get out of my mind. When we finally arrived, as we approached the first viewing site, tears welled up in my eyes. I took his hand and said we've waited a long time to see this together. It was grand. There are no other words to describe it. Here's a few pics.

So grateful Roger that we got to fulfill a small, but beautiful dream together!

I reported a little while back that Mom had decided to go ahead with chemo even though she really didn't want to. She agreed to appease her husband. It's hard for him too as an MD he wants to use medicine to help his ailing wife. However, she had since decided after 3 treatments that she is going to discontinue chemo. I was a bit stunned, but happy for her to make such a huge choice for herself knowing that death is eminent.

This was a few days ago. I've had a bit to chew on it and to look at some things. I have to say that I am very emotional about this and would rather throw up here than on my family and friends. I truly do support her, but my heart is in pain...

She has been given 6 months.. ~sigh~

More later....

Have you ever come to a place in your life where you are consciously standing at a cross road?? Where you knew that what you were doing was no longer needed or even useful?? Here I find myself at a cross road, wondering which direction to take, right or left.. In the past this place would have freaked me out, but now I embrace it because what happens on the other side of trust is far more amazing than being scared in the known. It's time for a career change. But with my kids so close to going to college, I don't want to rack up a bunch of new debt. So, what to do, what to do??

Life is so amazing. We are so fortunate to have so many choices.....